Why do I always do that?

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you wished you had said or done something—but in the moment, you just couldn’t? Maybe it was a difficult conversation with a friend, a colleague, or a family member. Perhaps it felt confrontational, and you froze, unsure of how to respond.

Later, as you replay the conversation in your mind or share it with someone else, a wave of regret, disappointment, or even resentment washes over you. You think of all the things you could have said, the perfect responses that now seem so obvious—but at the time, they felt out of reach.

It can feel like there are two versions of you: one that’s overwhelmed, stuck, unable to find the right words—and another that’s clear, articulate, and knows exactly what to say.

And so, the cycle continues. After the moment passes, you feel like you let yourself down, which fuels frustration and self-doubt. That feeling of helplessness buries itself deep, feeding into shame—until the next time you’re faced with a similar situation, and the same thing happens all over again.

Have you ever considered that when you’re under pressure, your brain and body automatically shift into a primal protective mode—fight, flight, or freeze? This isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s simply biology. Your body is doing exactly what it was designed to do: keep you safe from harm.

So, instead of beating ourselves up with negative self-talk—calling ourselves weak, useless, or getting lost in feelings of anger and resentment—we can recognize that our reaction is natural. However, in many of these situations, the "threat" our body is preparing for isn’t actually dangerous—not to the extent that we need to fight or flee. So what’s really happening?

This is where I like to use the metaphor of a smoke alarm. A smoke alarm is designed to alert us when it detects fire in our home. But for many of us—especially those who have experienced real emotional or psychological "fires" in the past—our internal alarms have become overly sensitive. The moment we sense even a hint of conflict, our alarm blares at full volume, triggering panic and a full emergency response. The fire brigade arrives, the whole street evacuates—only for the firefighters to tell us, there’s no fire… you just burnt the toast.

The good news? We can repair our internal "smoke alarms" by learning to challenge our negative thoughts. One simple but powerful question to ask ourselves is:

Is this thought a FACT or an OPINION?

• Facts are objective and based on evidence.

• Opinions are subjective and shaped by beliefs and perspectives.

When we start recognizing our negative thoughts as opinions rather than facts, we take away their power. We can treat them like a playground bully—either ignore them or stand up and challenge them. Over time, this practice helps rewire our thinking, making our internal "alarm system" more accurate and less likely to trigger unnecessary panic.