ATTACHMENT & RELATIONSHIP PATTERNS

Perhaps you wonder:

• Why do I become anxious when somebody pulls away?

• Why do I need reassurance?

• Why is it so difficult to trust people?

• Why do I push people away when I actually want them close?

• Why do I keep choosing similar relationships?

• Why does rejection affect me so deeply?

 

Sometimes these reactions aren't only about what's happening now.

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What Is Attachment?
Attachment is about the emotional bonds we form with other people and the ways we learn to seek connection and safety within relationships.

Our experiences can influence the questions we carry into subsequent relationships:

Will somebody be there when I need them?
Is it safe to express how I feel?
Do my needs matter?
Can I depend on other people?

Understanding attachment isn't about placing yourself into a box. It's about becoming curious about the relationship strategies you've learnt and whether they're still working for you.

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When You're Afraid Someone Will Leave
You might find yourself needing reassurance, becoming distressed when messages aren't answered, noticing tiny changes in someone's mood or putting their needs ahead of your own.

From the outside these reactions might look excessive.

Inside, they may be connected with a very powerful fear of losing an important
relationship.

Therapy allows us to understand that fear rather than simply telling you that you
shouldn't feel it.

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When Closeness Feels Difficult
You may have the opposite experience.
Perhaps independence feels safer.
You might withdraw when emotions become intense or struggle to ask for help.
You may want a relationship but become uncomfortable when somebody gets too close.
That doesn't necessarily mean you don't care.
Distance may have become a way of feeling safe.
When One Person Pursues and the Other Withdraws
One person seeks greater closeness.
The other becomes overwhelmed and pulls away.
The withdrawal creates more anxiety, so the first person seeks even more reassurance.
That makes the other person withdraw further.
Eventually both people can become convinced that the other person is the problem.

Understanding the cycle between you, rather than deciding who is at fault, can begin changing the conversation.

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Attachment, Childhood Experiences & Shame
Relationship patterns don't automatically mean somebody had a "bad childhood".

But experiences such as inconsistency, emotional unavailability, loss, rejection, conflict or having to become independent very early can influence what we learn about relationships.

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Maybe you learnt to:

• keep everybody happy,

• stay quiet,

• achieve,

• look after other people,

• hide your feelings,

or rely only on yourself.

Those strategies may have made perfect sense once.
The question now becomes: Do they still serve you?

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Can Attachment Patterns Change?
Attachment patterns don't have to define you forever.
Greater awareness, new experiences and safe relationships can help us develop different ways of relating to ourselves and other people. The goal isn't to label you as "needy", "clingy",  "avoidant", "too sensitive" or "bad at relationships".

It's to understand:
Why does this make sense?

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When we understand the why behind the what, something that previously felt irrational can begin to make much more sense.
And understanding can create the possibility of doing something differently.

 

 

 

 

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